He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
