Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
