I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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