i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
