Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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