you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
and she was petting her beer can
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
