Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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