I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
