I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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