right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
