Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
