the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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