Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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