Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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