oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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