put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
