My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Randomize
