remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Randomize
