i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Randomize
