one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
