i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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