You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
