When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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