I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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