Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So many bounce houses so little time
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
