The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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