they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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