True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
