Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
