she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
