Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
