Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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