Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
