My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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