you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
