omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
