last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
