Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
