Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
