I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
