im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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