everyone is single if you try hard enough
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize