there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
