I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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