i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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