i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
