You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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