Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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