yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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