i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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