Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
