She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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