Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The uberlube is also flammable
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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