i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
