I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
