hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
