ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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