In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
