My friends, they love my intelligence
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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