I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
