Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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