And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
