he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
