Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
