and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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