i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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