god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
