Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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