do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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