I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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