Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
even my farts smell like vagina
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
