need another drink. this is the easiest way
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
