I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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