I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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