I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you didnt know i had herpes?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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