I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize