i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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