he wants to bone in the snuggie
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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