I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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