On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She's the barista slut.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
